Funnehs???

Our Public Forum. Discuss anything with Old Fogies here

Re: Funnehs???

Postby SuicidalTwit » Mon May 10, 2010 3:03 pm

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!" Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!

She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,

"PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"
It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious.
--Oscar Wilde
User avatar
SuicidalTwit
Over the Hill
 
Posts: 106
Joined: Sat Apr 09, 2005 3:35 pm
Location: I'm in each and every one of you...

Re: Funnehs???

Postby Pykl » Tue May 18, 2010 2:39 pm

I am not normally very good at making up jokes but a while ago I was driving around with the kids and came up with this:

Why did the apple like the banana?
Because it had appeal.

So now you can understand why I'm not normally good at making up jokes.

On another note:

What do star trek and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus fighting Klingons.
Image
User avatar
Pykl
Elder
Elder
 
Posts: 654
Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2003 3:58 pm
Location: Burnaby, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:39 am

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,"This is the dumbest kid
in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and
asks, "Which do you want, son?
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar the game's over!"
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Jun 24, 2010 1:32 pm

An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college
girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel,where I had sex with each of them
three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"



Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody."
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:15 pm

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat-while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.

The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:17 pm

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:38 pm

Letter to Mens Helpline:-

Hey Mate, really need your advice for a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that the missus has been cheating.
The usual signs; Phone rings, if I answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot.
I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.


Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat, when she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on... It was at that moment crouched behind the boat,
I noticed... a "hairline crack" in the outboard mounting bracket... Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Mon Oct 25, 2010 7:52 pm

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.

'No, I don't,' she replied.

'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'

She didn't crack a smile.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

'What's so funny?' he asked.

'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:36 pm

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........




"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar, and I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes, two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many friggin' security cameras."
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby mooseman » Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:44 am

Her: Help! Help! There's a beetle on my desk!
Me *picks it up and throws it out the window* Come on! What was that? You are used to beetles!
Her: But it was lying on its back, waving its legs at me...
Me: Ok, now that's different - everyone knows they have four different ways to kill you from that position...
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
User avatar
mooseman
Swamp Donkey Overlord
Swamp Donkey Overlord
 
Posts: 918
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2005 4:44 pm
Location: In space, with penguins, and lasers

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Mon Apr 25, 2011 4:57 pm

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool..

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim . Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim ?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim ? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Baptizing a Bear

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Dec 09, 2011 11:01 pm

A catholic Priest, A baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that difficult and a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find a bear, and when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my Holy water, sprinkled him, and Holy Mary Mother of God, that bear became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

In his best fire-and-brimstone opratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you know that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I found me a bear, and I began to read to my bear from God's holy WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me either.'

'So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill and UP another and DOWN another until we came to this creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his harry soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising JESUS....Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it.....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby M373ora Fr34k » Sat Dec 10, 2011 3:23 am

oh lordy.... circumcision :)
I fear the Onos.

Find me on oldf servers as

"M373ora Fr34k" or "Dances With Skulks" or "Dies With Honor X_X"
User avatar
M373ora Fr34k
Fogey
Fogey
 
Posts: 1129
Joined: Wed Apr 28, 2004 11:18 pm
Location: Fort Collins, CO

Previous

Return to General

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron