Funnehs???

Our Public Forum. Discuss anything with Old Fogies here

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:42 pm

Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are

having a bad day........

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!








~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~







Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.









-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------




I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.









//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.









####################################################




Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.









********************************************************************************




Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!









~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~




When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.









//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////




We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?









+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++




I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.









=====================================================




Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?









%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%




Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.









))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))







So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:43 pm

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby shipwreck » Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:01 pm

User avatar
shipwreck
Grumblecake Connoisseur
Grumblecake Connoisseur
 
Posts: 1401
Joined: Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:21 pm
Location: Atlantis

Re: Funnehs???

Postby fallout[aeronautics] » Fri Sep 18, 2009 9:16 pm

Not so much funny, but I miss when nooby kept this thread alive.
My password was eaten by a rather large space goat. Egads.
User avatar
fallout[aeronautics]
Strigiformophobic
Strigiformophobic
 
Posts: 877
Joined: Sun Feb 08, 2004 11:46 pm

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Sun Oct 04, 2009 12:21 pm

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
And all the patients were outside shouting, '13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
Little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on...

Somebody poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14...14...14'....
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Tue Dec 08, 2009 11:33 am

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends: Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley.' The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.' 'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician. 'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say: 'There's Stanley with them two assholes!'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:38 pm

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:38 pm

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:47 pm

Two Newfies walk into a pet shop in St. John's and walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to George, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says George.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

George and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of Signal Hill.

At Signal Hill Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

George watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, George shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later, Seamus arrives.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, George, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

George watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot...

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

George shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

George is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Bren appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Bren then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more George shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Bren and his fook'n hengliding!'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Apr 16, 2010 7:50 pm

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can
get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2
hours."

The guy left.

A few weeks later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

The guy left.

A month later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has
to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back." He must be
going some place where he gets seen right away.

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So, where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby Pykl » Sat Apr 17, 2010 8:52 am

A couple went to a tropical resort for their anniversary.

They go scuba diving on the reef one day and after having a pretty good dive they get seperated. The husband swims around for a while but can't find his wife. He comes up and gets the authorities and the search begins.

The next day the husband hears a knock on his door. He opens it and the police office says, "do you want the bad news, the good news or the great news"

The husband says, "ok well what's the bad news."

"We found your wife, she got stuck under a rock and drowned."

So the husband wonders what the good news can be. "When we pulled her up there were a lot of crabs and other fish on her, here's your share of the catch."

So the husband says, "What's the great news."

The officer says, "We're pulling her up again tomorrow and you're welcome to come along if you like."
Image
User avatar
Pykl
Elder
Elder
 
Posts: 654
Joined: Fri Apr 04, 2003 3:58 pm
Location: Burnaby, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri May 07, 2010 7:28 pm

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
I see who's at the door.'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri May 07, 2010 7:30 pm

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me ... I know
we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is..

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, ' How
soon do you need to know?'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri May 07, 2010 7:34 pm

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could

have sworn we just went through a red light.'

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman
and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
both!'

Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri May 07, 2010 7:36 pm

Lawyers



One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the
poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated,"You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.


Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."



"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place!

"The grass is almost a foot high"
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4658
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

PreviousNext

Return to General

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Bing [Bot] and 2 guests

cron