Funnehs???

Our Public Forum. Discuss anything with Old Fogies here

Funnehs???

Postby nooby » Tue Dec 16, 2003 6:18 am

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.

Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said," I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Dec 16, 2003 6:19 am

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Dec 16, 2003 6:20 am

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Chicken & Egg

Postby clamatius » Tue Dec 16, 2003 7:50 am

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet and rolls over and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"
User avatar
clamatius
Domo Arigato...
Domo Arigato...
 
Posts: 529
Joined: Mon Nov 17, 2003 2:28 pm
Location: Seattle

Postby Niteowl » Tue Dec 16, 2003 9:51 am

heheheh, funny stuff guys :)
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett
User avatar
Niteowl
Mad Professor Hootarius the Stealer of Space Cookies
Mad Professor Hootarius the Stealer of Space Cookies
 
Posts: 8701
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:13 am
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

Postby dklein » Tue Dec 16, 2003 10:03 am

Nice stuff :) Made my afternoon.
"Don't worry... it only seems kinky the first time..."

[OldF] Heinrich Maneouver
User avatar
dklein
That's ONE RICH HEINY!!
That's ONE RICH HEINY!!
 
Posts: 2181
Joined: Tue Feb 04, 2003 12:05 am
Location: Thunder Bay, Ontario

Postby nooby » Tue Dec 16, 2003 7:00 pm

clamatius, oh that's funneh. :lol:
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Dec 16, 2003 8:22 pm

Found this on one of the sites I visit had to share.




T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my butt for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ..Those mean little flowers.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Feb 10, 2004 6:40 pm

New one I found.



A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks—one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn’t mention the ducks. He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom.

Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. “What’s your name?” he says to one of the ducks.

“Huey,” answers the first duck.

“How’s your day been, Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.”

“Oh, that’s nice,” says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, “And what’s your name?”.

“Dewey,” comes the answer. “So how’s your day been, Dewey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again.”

So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, “So, you must be Louie.”

“No,” growls the third duck, “my name is Puddles. And don’t ask about my day.”
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:18 pm

Haha, love these.

AUSSIE KISS
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTT
The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed.

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually stuff-all in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go:
"Oo! Oo! Oo!..Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
Last edited by nooby on Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:38 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby nooby » Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:34 pm

These two sets are courtesy of my son. There were more with the previous post but I didn't post them. Here are some more, I like them, beware, may offend some people. My son knows I have a wicked, some say warped humour.

1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

6. CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8. SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

AND FINALLY.....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Postby BigDXLT » Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:20 pm

lol, keep'em coming!
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
User avatar
BigDXLT
the First Motorized Sasquatch
the First Motorized Sasquatch
 
Posts: 4657
Joined: Sun Mar 30, 2003 3:29 am
Location: Fraser Lake, BC

Postby Niteowl » Tue Feb 17, 2004 9:27 pm

there were some gut busters there, funny stuff!
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of his own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time.
Terry Pratchett
User avatar
Niteowl
Mad Professor Hootarius the Stealer of Space Cookies
Mad Professor Hootarius the Stealer of Space Cookies
 
Posts: 8701
Joined: Wed Feb 05, 2003 8:13 am
Location: Vancouver, BC, Canada

Postby Coldblue » Wed Feb 18, 2004 3:10 pm

omg that just made my day, turned it right around! Awesome stuff! :lol: :lol: :lol:
-Coldblue
-Mathew

===============================

"...life is just a game, so take the best of it. but remember one thing: be proud of what you do and enjoy it to the maximum"

Unknown
Coldblue
Fogey
Fogey
 
Posts: 51
Joined: Mon Mar 31, 2003 1:12 pm
Location: Port Coquitlam BC

Postby nooby » Wed Feb 18, 2004 4:36 pm

Ahhh, the admiration of the crowds, /takes a bow and exits stage left.
Life has a poignant twist to it.
nooby
OldF Scribe
OldF Scribe
 
Posts: 1553
Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2003 5:20 am

Next

Return to General

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Majestic-12 [Bot] and 2 guests

cron