Funnehs???

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Postby BigDXLT » Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:00 pm

Union Rules & Hookers----



A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a

convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the

Local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked

The Madam, "Is this a union house?"


"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered


Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped

off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house.
We observe all union rules."


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the

girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."


"That's more like it!" the union man said.


He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and

pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.


"I'd like her," he said.



"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she

Gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel

Here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next."
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
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Postby BigDXLT » Tue Sep 18, 2007 8:23 pm

A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender can't help but notice a steering wheel sticking out of his pants, and asks the pirate about it. "Yarr," says the pirate, "It's driving me nuts!"
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Postby Beasty » Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:22 pm

So, there's this pirate ship in the midst of a long voyage. The men have grown terribly bored. A pirate amongst them happens to know a bunch of magic tricks, and he decides to put on a magic show. His parrot, however, is quite gossipy and can't keep it's mouth shut.

The pirate begins his first trick, and tha parrot gives it away by saying "rawwk, the coin is in the other hand, rawwk!"

Frustrated, the pirate tries another trick, but again, the parrot gives it away by blurting out "rawwk, look under the table, rawwk!"

This goes on for some time, to a point that the pirate can't manage to perform anything spectacular to entertain the crew. His anger towards his blabbermouth parrot eventually grows so phenomenal that one night he gets very drunk and accidentally crashes the ship into some rocks.

Sobering up the next morning, he finds himself adrift on some wreckage. The parrot, ever the attentive sidekick, happens to land next to him looking quite puzzled. It says to him:

"Rawwk, Okay, I give up, What'd ya do with the boat?"
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby mooseman » Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:32 pm

Who knew? I guess I should stop deleting these 'male enhancement' ads and start reading them for a chuckle:

Elijah p. Copeland wrote:We want to bring you something wonderful!
You never believed that some medicine could make feel so sure in bed.
We offer MegaDik, that will attract all the women to you.
Your penis will be leader of the world!

Try this and you will never regret!


Leader of the world!!!!

Mom will be so proud!
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Sat Nov 17, 2007 10:13 pm

lol wtf?...
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:45 pm

Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.



Finally sick of the stress he quit his job and bought 50 acres in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.


He saw the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.


After six months or so of almost total isolation, there was a knock on his door. He jumped, then opened it and a huge bearded man was standing there.


"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road….. Having a New Year's Eve Party Monday night….. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."


"Great", said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."


As Lars was leaving, he stopped and turned. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin’."
"Not a problem," said Tom. "After 25 years in the alcohol business I can drink with the best of 'em".


Again the big man started to leave and stopped. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"

"Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming even more to the idea. "I've been all alone here for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?



"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby mooseman » Fri Jan 04, 2008 4:55 pm

Oh! That was terrible! Ahhhhggggghhh!

Made me laugh though.

Here. Here's some silly quotes from a really smart guy's website. He gathered 'em, I'm just passing my favorites along.

"I spent a minute looking at my own code by accident. I was thinking 'What the hell is this guy doing?'"

"I went on a 30-day diet, and lost 30 days"

"How can you think you matter when your URL has a tilde in it?"

"leave the advanced tab alone - if you were advanced you'd know how to use it"

"i should just make web sites, then i can make lots of money and not have to work too hard."

"this site best viewed if you come over to my office and look at it on my state-of-the-art graphics terminal"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." -Rita Mae Brown

"Using Navigator? Or a modem? Are you in a school or a library? We don't want your business. Go hunt rats for food. Damn cavemen."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Jan 17, 2008 5:39 pm

This will warm your heart. Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor
Assisted Home for the Aged. My family have all passed away and
I am alone so thank you for your kindness to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio , but she would
never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other
day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was
awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine but I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
Edna
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Re: What?

Postby [OldF] DIRTY DEALER » Tue Sep 23, 2008 10:10 am

nooby wrote:The night was young, the moon was high,
We were alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft her eyes were blue,
I new just what she wanted me to do,

Her skin was smooth her legs were fine.
I ran my finger down her spin.

I don't know how but i tried my best,
As I placed my hand on her breast.

I remembered my fear, my fast beating heart.
And slowly she spread her legs apart.

And when I did it I felt no shame,
And all at once white stuff came.

At last it is finished, it's all over now.
My first time ever...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...Milking a cow!
(And what were YOU thinking about?)


Talk about missing something !
I went to highschool with a guy named Keith A.
He wrote that poem for his girlfriend at the time named Laura or Lori, can't remember her last name. That was in 1975 or 1976 as I recall. The school was Nordonia Hill High School, in Macadonia, Ohio.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:12 pm

Got a couple good ones today, figured they'd be worth a chuckle!
Drafting Guys over 60

----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier----

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:
Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical s-of-a-b....

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...with PMS !!!
You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!

If nothing else, put us on border patrol....we will have it secured the first night!

Share this with your senior friends. It's purposely in big type so they can read it.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:21 pm

"The two lesbians next door brought me over a nice Rolex today. I think cause I told em I wanna watch. Dam da bad luck."
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby shipwreck » Fri Mar 20, 2009 6:06 am

That army thing should be in the Fogie hall of fame.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby mooseman » Fri Mar 20, 2009 10:30 am

Are we allowed to put links in here? Or is the format strickly jokes?

Pole Dancing

God bless the internet!
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby CanadianWolverine » Sun Mar 22, 2009 12:00 pm

mooseman wrote:Are we allowed to put links in here? Or is the format strickly jokes?

Pole Dancing

God bless the internet!


Yeah, it probably is, seeing as we use almost the entirety of the Rambling Forum section for silly videos and the like. :P That said, that video is still hilarious :D

That Drafting Men Over 60 post is epic.
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Re: Funnehs???

Postby BigDXLT » Thu Aug 27, 2009 7:36 pm

And that's how the fight started



One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a
gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't
used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the TV?"
I replied "Dust".

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200
in
about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our
anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet
appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have
sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't
even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'


So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's how the fight started...


************************************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light
for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than
the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started....


************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He
said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started...
Funner then chuckin' rocks at a sign!
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